putting it out there

On my family blog, It's a Mann's World, I've talked several times about my issues with weight. I've had many successes, and many not-so-successes. As of Saturday, March 6, 2010, I have started a new journey. And with that new journey, I decided to start a new blog to journal my progress.

I don't really know where to start, but I do know that I'm just going to put it all out there. I'm even going to post my actual weight. *gasp*

Buckle in, this is going to be a long one.

A little bit of history. During my childhood years, I didn't have a weight problem. I thought I did, but looking back, I was perfectly healthy. As I hit junior high I started having issues with my self-image. I wasn't heavy, but I thought I was. I went through a period where I didn't really eat. I got really skinny, and if I remember correctly, my parents even took me to the doctor because I was losing weight. {Mom & Dad, if you're reading this, maybe you can refresh my memory.} I don't really remember what happened, but apparently I came out of that "phase" and returned to a normal weight.

Throughout high school I continued to struggle with my self-image. Mind you, I still didn't have a weight problem, but thought I did. I was at a healthy weight.

I didn't start putting on weight until after I got married. At our wedding, in 1998, I estimate I weighed around 140 pounds. Perfectly normal for my height, around 5' 3". Just about anyone who's married can tell you that once you've snagged that special someone, it's like you don't try any more. Chris and I both put on weight, I just put on a lot more than he did.

In 2001 we began talking about starting a family. We did get pregnant, but unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. Around that same time I decided it was time to do something about my weight. It had been going up increasingly in the 3 years that we'd been married.

The first time I darkened the door of Weight Watchers I weighed 197. {Goodness, did I just put that out there? It gets worse.} I thought I would keel over & die. I was almost 200 pounds? Shoot me now, please. It was a wake up call & I worked the WW program like a pro. The weight came off steadily until I was at around 160. I looked better, I felt better. Then I got comfortable. The plan fell by the wayside and the pounds started creeping back on.

Unfortunately, most of the time, when you lose weight & then put it back on, it brings friends. That's exactly what happened.

The number on the scale kept getting higher & higher and my self-esteem kept getting lower & lower. But did I do anything about it? Of course not.

In 2003 we bought our first house & decided we were ready to start a family. Unfortunately, we struggled with infertility, which in some part was caused by my weight. However, God is faithful and in October 2006 we were blessed with the birth of our son, Jonathan. {Referred to most times as Jboy.} In one of my early appointments, my OB stated that since I was quite overweight, he wanted me to try and keep my weight gain at around 10 pounds. For the entire pregnancy. Ummm, okay. Well, needless to say, that didn't happen, but all in all it wasn't too bad. I think I gained around 30 pounds or so. {I think it was all in my belly. And if you saw me near the end, I think you'd agree.}

Fast forward to just after Jboy's first birthday. I had, again, reached an all time high with my weight. This time, I knew what to do. Weight Watchers really works for me, when I follow the plan. So, November 2007 I rejoined at 234.2 pounds. {Ack!} Well, hello almost 40 pounds that I had lost, so kind of you to bring 35 friends with you.

Anyway, I found my groove & the weight started coming off again. I really thought I had it in the bag this time. My mind was in the right place and I was seeing results.

In September 2008 I reached 50 pounds lost!!! Amazing. 184 pounds. Again, I looked better & felt better. I'll give you three guesses as to what happened next, and the first two don't count. Yeah, I fell off the wagon. Again.

Seriously? Haven't I learned my lesson. Apparently not. You know what happens when you start eating all willy nilly? You gain weight. So, yeah, it all came back.

Press the fast forward button again to the present. We've decided that we're ready to make Jboy a big brother. I've been to the doctor & the same issues apply as last time, but now I'm heavier. Not going to help. That isn't the only reason I've started this journey again, just one of many. {Be looking for a separate post about that.}

I wasn't too sure how Chris would react to me wanting to join Weight Watchers again. We've invested a lot of money into this in the past & I obviously haven't really kept my end of the bargain. Thankfully, he's wonderful & ridiculously supportive. He was all for it. We know it works for me.

So, long story WAY longer, I re-rejoined Weight Watchers this past Saturday. I'd finally hit a wall & knew that I couldn't do it on my own. I'd tried a few times over the last few months, but I really need the structure & accountability the plan & meetings offer.

I had a fairly good idea of what the scale would show, and I was about right. Okay, here we go.... 251.2 pounds. {Whoa, that was hard to put out there.} On my little 5' 3" body, that's a lot! Let's do the math, shall we? 184 when I quit, 251 today. That's a 67 pound swing in, what, 18 months. Can we say unhealthy?

So, here I am. This is a new journey. I'm trying very hard to put out of my mind where I've been, and just concentrate on today. Do I have a guarantee that I'll reach my goal & maintain it this time? No, of course not. But I can make better decisions. For today. For this meal. For this minute.

In an effort to show where I am & eventually where I've been, here are some "before" photos. These were taken on 3.5.10. Look closely, hopefully you won't see this girl again.

I don't know how often I'll post. I'm thinking at least once a week with my results from weigh-in, but I'm really hoping to also use this as a journal for how I'm feeling, what I'm struggling with, and what's working for me.

I hope you'll ride along with me on this journey. (I promise I won't write novels every time.)